From the Menu (by john maguire)

December 11, 2008 at 11:01 pm · Filed under drama

John Maguire, B. A. in English Literature, proves his unique writing abilities in that he succeeds to combine crucial literary topoi with postmordern writing. His witty and intelligent play “From the Menu” draws on elements of vintage humour, namely the “chase” motif, often used by artists such as Keaton and Lloyd. Commenting on America’s literary heritage of the “Theatre of the Absurd”, John suggests a Shepardesque attitude too. His comedy, often realistic and funny at the same time, provides an enjoyable reading experience challenging the reader to discover the richness of artistic references from Laurel-and-Hardyesque quarrels to “Fawlty Towers” in a (post-)modern scenario.

Read John’s play and also take a look at his film version of “From the Menu”. Also feel free to comment on his play.

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=pMdBFktTiro

FROM THE MENU

by John Maguire

Scene one.

INT. KITCHEN- DAY. Two men in room. Jeff, is standing: preparing food. Leo is seated at a table: reading a newspaper.

JEFF (mutters)

Where’s the steak knife?

Leo carries on reading the newspaper, quite engrossed, Jeff continues to look for the steak knife getting increasingly exasperated.

JEFF (loudly)

Leo, where’s the steak knife?

Leo carries on reading the newspaper, then after 10 seconds, lays down paper and faces Jeff.

LEO (blandly)

Not sure, you can use the Italian pasta

JEFF

Catch yourself on Leo, I’m sick of Italian pasta and from what I’ve been hearing lately…so is everybody else.

LEO (surprised)

Oh didn’t realise that, who told you that?

JEFF (evasively)

Well…actually nobody told me, but was reading somebody on the bus and steak is now big…. I mean it was written all over his t-shirt.

LEO:

Good job you heard that, so pasta is a thing of the past….

Leo starts to read newspaper again

JEFF (exasperated):

Yea although… there’s no sign of the steak knife around here…and she’s coming here in half an hour…there’s no wine in the house either.

Jeff, getting increasingly frustrated, glares at Leo who is engrossed in the newspaper. Leo then realises Jeff is seeking a response and looks up promptly.

LEO:

Sorry, who’s coming around?

JEFF (angrily):

You know what, sometimes I wonder if we’re on the same bleeding …. actually this confusion is wasting more bloody time

Leo bursts out laughing uncontrollably, Jeff is at boiling point, Leo attempts to stifle his glee.

JEFF:

What’s so funny?

LEO:

Nothing….nothing….it’s just that I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about

Jeff manages to regain some composure as Leo finally stops laughing

JEFF (pointing at Leo)

Look- I told you yesterday that our new neighbour, Emma, is coming around for an evening meal here today and you have obviously forgotten.

LEO:

Oh flip I remember now, so what’s the problem?

JEFF (sighs):

The problem…the problem is (stutters and pauses) that I’m going to have to … disregard my plans to cook her a steak – as there’s no steak knife, and because there’s only twenty minutes left until she’s here, I’m going to have to cook some pasta as quickly as possible

LEO:

Oh that’s a pity, should I stay or should I go?

JEFF:

No…no…no… you can eat with us, but I’m warning you: no dim-witted questions, attempt to exhibit a degree of class and don’t get intoxicated with alcohol, understood?

LEO:

Sure no problemo, I’ll be as sober as a judge.

Scene Two.

Emma and Jeff are eating a meal. There is a can of Carlsberg that belongs to Leo on the table; Jeff and Emma are drinking Jamesons whiskey. Leo has left the table to go to the bathroom.

EMMA:

Yea that’s a superb film. Although the movie I saw a couple of days ago was probably the most interesting I’ve ever seen.

JEFF:

What was it called?

EMMA:

‘Tibetan Gangster’: about a Tibetan criminal mastermind. He was nicknamed the lamb or something like that; he attempted to destroy world collectivism back in the 21^st century.

JEFF:

Oh I’ve heard that’s a master …(a bit of pasta sticks in his throat)…work

Leo walks in, just as Jeff says ‘work’.

LEO:

Cool, so you’ve finally bothered to get a job?

Leo sits down to continue his meal. Jeff is surprised then embarrassed, he pauses, Emma stops eating and glances at Jeff with a look of confusion.

JEFF:

Oh…yea… I’ve been looking around…places

Leo realises he’s treading on awkward ground and starts eating again.

EMMA:

But I thought you said you are working for Greenpeace?

JEFF (clearly ruffled, lets out a forced laugh)

No…no…no…I used to work for Greenpeace, but you know it didn’t really agree with me.

EMMA:

But you said it was your lifeblood?

JEFF:

Oh…yea, well, a bit of irony never goes amiss.

Jeff laughs in an attempt to appease Emma’s inquiries, Leo continues eating, trying to avoid eye contact with Jeff

EMMA (getting increasingly perplexed and irritated):

How is supporting the environment an irony?

JEFF (trying to be diplomatic):

Well I don’t mean…supporting the environment…is ironic or anything like that…but…in order to fully answer your question…I felt that Greenpeace were not focusing properly upon…

Awkward pause for 10 seconds, Jeff tentatively starts to resume eating.

EMMA:

Not focusing properly upon what exactly?

JEFF:

Look, it seriously doesn’t matter anymore.

EMMA:

You cannot be serious; we definitely need to defend the natural world!

JEFF (angrily):

I didn’t mean the environment for flips sake!

Emma looks shocked and glares at Jeff (who composes himself)

JEFF:

I meant that this interrog….conversation is pointless.

Jeff and Emma resume eating the meal.

Scene Three.

Two loud knocks on front door; Jeff jumps up to let the knocker in. It is Bruce, a friend of Leo’s. Jeff can barely hide his displeasure; Bruce walks in loud and boisterous. He firmly shakes Jeff’s and Leo’s hands. Then shakes Emma’s hand and introduces himself. Leo has forgotten that he invited Bruce to the house just a couple of days ago.

BRUCE:

Hey people I’m afraid I can’t stay long, but I thought I’d let you all know there’s an exquisite performance being played in Sheffield City Hall tonight.

LEO:

Oh cool, who is it?

BRUCE:

‘The Rolling Stones’!

EMMA:

They’re a great band; it’s incredible how they keep on going

LEO:

Mick Jagger must be at least 300 now

EMMA:

I think it was his 300^th a couple of years ago actually

BRUCE:

They are indeed an exquisite act; plus it is a free concert tonight, they are doing it for Greenpeace. This concert is designed to help in their determination and valour in clearing up the Plymouth disaster of last week. 30% has been cleaned up. Therefore ‘The Rolling Stones’, by doing a concert for Greenpeace, are doing everything in their power to heal the wounds that this disaster has created.

Emma and Leo nod in appreciation.

BRUCE:

Greenpeace need all the support they can get. Like a Don Quixote of bygone years, Sir Mick Jagger has taken his cherished ideals and placed them exquisitely into pragmatic action

Jeff raises an eyebrow.

BRUCE:

Now, who desires to accompany me?

LEO:

I am for sure.

EMMA:

Me too, you know how much I admire Greenpeace and ‘The Rolling Stones’.

JEFF:

I think I’ll give it a miss: not too keen on Greenpeace.

Bruce, Emma and Leo all leave the house. Jeff remains, staring at the Italian pasta remnants.

Scene Four.

Next day at 11.00am, Jeff is seated at the table eating a bowl of cereal. Leo walks in the front door, coming back from the gig. Jeff’s and Leo’s eyes meet.

JEFF:

You’ve got me into a mess for the last time!

Jeff then lunges at Leo. Leo manages to avoid him, then runs out of the house and down the street. Jeff chases after him, to no avail though, as Leo loses him at a four way tunnel interchange.

Scene Five

Jeff is eating his evening meal and watching television, Leo walks in to the house, and starts to look through the cutlery in a kitchen drawer. The noise Leo is making shifting through the cutlery causes Jeff to turn up the volume on the television.

Jeff ignores Leo when he walks to the table. Leo walks to the table and places a steak knife near Jeff’s plate. Jeff looks at the steak knife and shakes his head. Leo walks out of the room and goes upstairs. Jeff remains in room.

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